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[23 Feb 2003|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Tomorrow's the 24th.
It's been 2 years since leslie died.
I don't think about her as much these days. it's almost like she's this distant friend that moved away..and we don't keep in touch anymore. Like cass..from the 3rd grade.
I got out the shoebox with her stuff in it today. The obit. The article about it clipped from the paper. The xmas and v-day cards she gave me. the glitter eyeshadow and card i was supposed to give to her..but forgot..the notes she wrote me..
I still remember her voice like it was yesterday. I remember the phonecall from Annette. it's funny..annette and i practically hate each other now. I saw her at walmart the other week. She turned her head down and acted like she didn't see me. I knew she did.
I remember the funeral. I never cry at funerals. It has nothing to do with much i loved or how well i knew the person..my mom took it personally when i didn't cry at my grandma's..she still hasnt forgiven me.
I wish i could go through life, and never lose another person i loved. I can see why people find religion. It's hard, accepting that you'll never see the people you love again. Accepting that..this is all there is. I'm sorry...we don't go to heaven and become angels and live in a mansion and play poker with Jesus all day long. When you die...it's over. There's no "amazing light at the end of the tunnel" or whatever. There's no hell. The people who teased you in school won't get any better or worse than you will..neither will hitler, osama or either of the two president bushes that unfortunately have served office. I'd love to see all the people i've loved again...and i wish i could..but maybe we should just accept that we won't..
i dunno..
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[23 Feb 2003|03:45pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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i don't want to go back to school tomorrow.
Sitting around in a classroom...rotting. Having my creativity slowly sucked away. Not being allowed to make a fucking phonecall during lunch time. Sleep deprivation. Sitting alone..being a loner.
.........
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[22 Feb 2003|01:32pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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my electricity has been out since sunday. right now, i havent showered in like...days..haha i smell like an old sock..and it's all good.
lauren hasnt written...hasnt called..she's surely got my letter by now. if she tried to email..maybe it bounced back because my account was full...but you know..what are the odds? I should just accept it..she doesnt care..she's moved on...and i have too...but i still miss talking to her..
I even missed Josh. I must yell at him every day for something..and get all annoyed and storm offline in a fiery rage...but i missed him. I did..
I missed everyone..
i spent my week cleaning and reading...my room is cleaner now than it has ever been in the 10 years i've lived in it. My books are alphabetised..my dresser is organised (i even organised my underwear drawer...4 shoeboxes..panties in one, bras in another..tights in another and socks in the last one)..my closet is color coded..my magazines are in order by month and year..
i went through my great grandma's jewelry box..my grandpa's wedding band was in there...and a bunch of other things.
My mom and i got in a huge fight last night about fryeburg. basically, she thinks i'll be as unhappy there as i am here, and she thinks i'm just going there to run away from my problems. She also said she can't afford it...but she could..i know she could..
i know i'm selfish for wanting to go there. i know running away isn't the answer..
i know all that...but i just really, realllly want to go..
i wish she'd understand me for once..instead of just jumping to conclusions and assuming things..
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[15 Feb 2003|04:16pm] |
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mood |
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 intimidated |
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UGH!!!!!!! gross gross gross grosssssss *gags*
ash just sent me a pic of this guy she know's dick.....fucking disgusting. Reminds me why i'm a lesbian...that thing was the ugliest thing i've ever seen in my entire life..
no offense to any guys who might happen to be reading this...but that thing was just....repulsive.
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[14 Feb 2003|10:06pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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i just want to give my love to someone...and know that girl will return it...
you know what i mean?
:-/
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[14 Feb 2003|08:47am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Well, I'm sitting here, in the library at school, really bored..it's 8:47 am and i have a algebra test next period that i'm sure to fail..
but anyway..
I had this dream last night,that my dad came back to live with us, and he was being SUCH an asshole..so i started screaming at him and swearing...I must have called him every word in the book..and he just sat there..laughing at me..never responding. Nothing i could say would hurt him...ever. Then, suddenly, he started hitting my mom..just beating her up..and i wanted to desperately to help her..but I couldn't..and when i woke up he let her go and her face was black and blue..she was SO bruised..and he was telling her how she was a bitch and how stupid she was, and how his gf was so much better...
I woke up hating him even more..
What do i want for valentines day? I want my dad to fucking die...or at least make him suffer the way he's made us..
Happy valentines day..
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[12 Feb 2003|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 ditzy |
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grrrr..so basically i just wrote this big entry..and my stupid computer erased the whole damn thing!!
But anyway...basically all i said was..i called naazma..she told me how to say her name and i was all happy and stuff because i got to talk to her..
annddd she was the 34554th person to tell me I had an accent haha...
but yeah..it was great talking to her..
and shane called me (again) and guess what he asked me right off the bat? "are you horny?" and i wanted to say "i'm gay shane. gay. g-a-y..di is a dyke."...but instead..i just said "no..gotta go..bye" and hung the phone up..didn't feel like dealing with his shit tonight...i'm afraid he's going to ask me to fuck a lightbulb again..if he does..i'm shoving the lightbulb down his damn throat...stupid horny fucker..
anyway..despite my adventures with dickhead..i'm all good now...
god..why can't i just tell people i'm gay? I have no trouble telling certain people (andie..people online..joy..mallori..other people from my old school) but there are just some people that i just..can't...like shane. I want to tell him to fuck off..because i'll never be sexually attracted to him..but i can't..
maybe it's because i live in a very bible belt..homophobic town..? homophobes don't really scare me..except the type that go around burning down people's houses and killing people..those types of people need to be locked up..
maybe it's because i'm scared to let people see into that deep part of me...?
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[10 Feb 2003|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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grrrr! i was supposed to call naazma today...but of course...i cant find the damn card.....fuck. fuck fuck.
naazma...sweetie..if you're reading this...please don't be mad at me..i'll find it sometime. I will.
we're learning all about kids and babies and stuff in science..and aww there's this little fetus..it's so cute...i'm not usually a maternal person..but you gotta wub dem fetuses.
i still didnt get my fryeburg package....waaah :(
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[09 Feb 2003|10:33pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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i did it! I stamped her letter...now all i have to do is give it to ash to mail..and it's on it's way...
i'm so happy!
yet so alone..
someone come to bed with me tonight..not in a sexual way even..i just cant sleep by myself tonight :(
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[09 Feb 2003|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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*sigh* my brother is downstairs screaming...fighting with my mom. *covers ears* i just want to make them shut up..
i tried to be nice to him. I did his chart for him..basically did his whole assignment..and what does he say? "you fucking bitch..find the information yourself"..jee.
that's the downside. the upside is my mom is downstairs making me brownies. yeehaw.
I'm in a writing mood. I know i should be studying..and i will..i just need to write something first..to get all my feelings out. ya know?
<33333
Di
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[09 Feb 2003|10:19am] |
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mood |
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bored |
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Well, it's been decades since i've updated. I blew off shane. He turned out to be like the rest. I don't even want to mention what he wanted me to do with a lightbulb. And a tootsie roll pop. and a hairbrush. and a banana...i'm all for food sex...but for christ's sake..a LIGHTBULB?!
Anyway..i was on one of my communities, and this girl was saying about her boarding school and how she was recruiting people..and i went to the site. it looks pretty cool..and now i'm on this kick about going there. I sent the thing in for them to send me more info, and today they emailed me saying they'd send me an application package and a viewbook. my mom's going to flip a hamburger..i know she'd probably never let me go in a million years. It probably costs a fortune..even though we can get financial aid i guess...i just realllly wanna go. I really want to be able to be on my own and make my own decisions, instead of having my mother make every little decision for me. I love her..but sometimes I really believe she doesn't like me. Like last night, when we all were fighting and stuff..i dunno. I could actually mail letters without having her practically read them first. Little things like that.
I'm going to write lauren. I got a stamp yesterday..i'm going to send the letter i wrote to her. I've been writing stories like crazy lately. Nothing too erotic or dirty. more romantic. I let J read some of them. With J, i feel like he's putting on this act. Like I could write the words "blow a goat" onto a sheet of paper, give it to him, and he'd start crying and saying how it's the best thing he's ever read. Last night, I showed him "wish you were here" and he started on about how "nice" it was and how i was showing my feelings for someone through my stories. in a way, i guess i am..but not in the same way.
Anyway..i'm hoping that girl will write me back telling me the 411 about fryeburg..*crosses fingers*
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[05 Jan 2003|11:53am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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ugh..my dad is coming over today. gross. i'm not coming out of my room. the guy may have provided my other X chromosome, but he's not my father. If i hadnt emailed him, he wouldnt be coming today. I just said, 'well, you say you want to see us, but you drive 200 miles to see grandma and you didnt come to see us. that doesnt make sense" and now he's got it in his head that i want to see him. I'd rather die.
The men in my life are superficial bastards.
i want to go to NBTSC. i think it would be so much fun, but even if i could afford it, my mom would probably never let me go. first of all, she's against unschooling me in general, and second, the camp runs in late september.
i've been thinking a lot about lauren. what she's doing, what she's thinking. is she okay? is she safe? is she happy? I may never know. I feel dumb, because i know she's probably not thinking about me, and she probably doesnt care what i do. If she had wanted to see me, she would have come on aim while she was on neopets all those times. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice, hear her say she's okay and she's happy and she's fine. I hope everything's okay with her. Sometimes i think about showing up at her doorstep, surprising her. What would she say? i miss her lots. It's sad, because i know she's probably had other relationships and met other people..but i still miss her more than ever. :(
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[03 Jan 2003|06:25pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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*sigh*
someone on a community i was looking at said "you can stop dieting anytime you want. you say you cant, but you really cant. you just want attention"
if it was about attention, i'd wear a rubber clown nose to school with a halloween wig and flipper shoes. I dont need to diet to get attention. I want, so badly, to be one of those girls who are happy with their body, and don't freak out every time they eat (gasp) TWO OREOS!..i want that kind of self-esteem so badly. But, stupid me, you know what i just did? I just went to the mirror, pinched all the fat on my stomach, and slapped myself. on the face. for being a fat cow.
I dunno what is wrong with me. it just feels so good. to throw away that pizza at lunch,and know those 400 calories arent rotting inside of me, adding more fat to my waist, hips, thighs and tummy. To only eat under 500 calories a day, to go to bed hungry but feeling thin.
then, on days like today, i see pictures of myself, my chubby body, my ugly, disgusting, disgraceful body, and i want to puke. i dont look thin. the mirror says it. the reflections say it. my weight says it.
i see so many thin girls. thin girls who eat things like pizza and fast food every day for lunch. i see them, and want to be them, and know i can never even come close. maybe it's my metabolism. maybe that pizza goes straight through them, while it sits on my stomach forever. maybe it's just some kind of god, or devil, or whatever, punishing me. All i know is, when i get called fat by other people, and i see those thin people, it makes me sick. jealous, enraged, to know i'll never be that thin and beautiful.
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[02 Jan 2003|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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I did really well with eating and fitness today. only 439 calories for the whole day (that's good for me). I gave my chocolate covered cherries away, because i didnt want to eat them. I also used a small bite of pizza as my "treat".
my mom thought walking for an hour was overdoing it, but i really love exercise, it gets my seretonin levels up or something. i feel really happy right now. i really do.
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[01 Jan 2003|01:19pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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*sigh* last night i basically just watched my movies and ate...a lot. I dont want to go to school tomorrow. I'd rather die.
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[24 Dec 2002|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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I'm so sick of christmas. It was nice, when i was little. But now, it's about greed. I dont care what presents i get..god knows, the things i want, i won't get, and the things i get, i won't want..
merry xmas to all, and all that garbage.
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